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crazy mixed up pantomime
by Maggie Huscroft

Come close dear friends and give me time To introduce my pantomime. Come with me to this magic place That exists in cyber space. A fairy land of thrills and joys, When dames are men and girls are boys. Where Baron Hardup tries hanky panky With the flighty Widow Twanky. Where Cinderella and Puss in Boots And Aladdin are in cahoots. The Demon King has done his worse And everybody speaks in verse. This mixed -up story's just begun So won't you come and join the fun?

Title: Cinders
Author: Jason Minty

Poor old Cinders, we first see her on her knees.
She polishes and darns and things, anything to please.
She's really very beautiful, even without mascara
When the story begins you'd never think she'll end up wearing a tiara.

Title: Enter Buttons
Author: Maggie Huscroft

Hello cinders," what's up pet?"

"Your tears are making the carpet wet."

"Oh Buttons I'm feeling sad and blue

There so much work I have to do.

I'm tired, and hungry and oh so cold.

The cheese for supper is covered in mould,

It's not enough to feed the mice on.

An now I've gone and broke the Dyson."

"Cheer up Cinders, I've got a broom,

And you can wear this maid's costume"

Title: Junk food Panto
Author: Stuart Johnson

Cinders says " I can't wear that!

It's only size 8 and I'm far too fat

Too many burgers and too many Cornetto's

And it wouldn't go with my high -heeled stillettos

Oh look children, now i've upset Buttons, if looks could kill

Let's take him down to Burger King for an extra value meal "

Title: enter Jack
Author: Maggie Huscroft

''Coo-ee Darlings! Hello you two!

I've had no supper, can I come too?

Not Burger King! It's Burger Queens!

I've got no cash but I've got some beans''

"Oh jack I've got nothing to wear!"

( wails Cinders, tearing out her hair)

Title: A Lad in Name
Author: Jason Minty

In strolls Alladin carrying in his lamp
Dressed in pink lycra and looking very camp
"Don't worry Darlings" he billed and he cooed
"I'll get my genie to conjure up some food"

Title: feast in the kitchen
Author: Maggie Huscroft

Aladdin give his lamp a rub

And asks the genie for some grub

Then right before their very eyes

The table's loaded with cakes and pies

" You are a wonder" says our Jack

" To russel up this tasty snack"

Title: Boris Aladdin-ski
Author: Stuart Johnson

The genie sniffs " Well it's just a knack,

It's only half-hour to Tesco and back "

Cinders cries out " All this food, it's utopian! "

She starts wolfing it down like a starved Ethiopian

Aladdin says " Oh well, I guess I'm off

My work is done , I'll leave you both to scoff

" But Aladdin ? " asks Jack " Why do you hobble? "

" Did I not mention, I'm from Chernobyl "

Title: cinders says
Author: Maggie Huscroft

''Aladdin, that's a terrible joke

I thought you were a pucker bloke''

Title: meanwhile....
Author: Maggie Huscroft

Meanwhile in the Tangly wood

We find little Red Riding Hood

She's talking to Goldie Locks

( Bless her little cotton socks)

The have both been invited

To the Palace Ball. They're so excited.

The ugly sisters are going too.

They have not told " you know who "

But Red and Goldie know better than

Cinder's sisters. They've a cunning plan

Title: Beary Good Idea
Author: Geraldine Harper

Goldie explained that she kept bears

And that when they get up from their chairs

They often go in search of truth

And found the ugly sisters so uncouth

But Cinders they said was very sweet

and would make the ball complete

So along with Mr Wolf

They thought they could set up a spoof.

Title: masters of disguise
Author: Maggie Huscroft

This idea appealed to Red

She laughed out loud and then she said

"Wolfie's master of disguise

Remember granny's "What big eyes…?"

He could impersonate Prince Charming"

Though Goldie thought it might be alarming

She said, '' My three bears could dress up too

Act as his courtiers, in royal blue ''

Title: Snow White, Dwarfs and Deadly Fruit
Author: Lloyd Williams

'How about my dwarfs?' snow white chipped in
The seven behind her making a din
'Can they go to the palace ball too?
'They work so hard in the mine for you'
Cindy and red began to discuss
Goldie was sure they'd make a fuss
Then Snow white added they'd bring a queen
Who in turn would bring some apples green
'Which is fine' said Snow 'but avoid the red'
'They taste ok but you'll wind up dead'
'Ok' said Cindy 'bring them along
'But it's all on you if things go wrong
'Make sure the queen with the fruit behaves
This a ball remember and not a rave'

Title: Queen of the Common People
Author: Lloyd Williams

The Queen came carried by her entourage
Cus the ford fiesta was in the garage
'Did someone say party' she asked of Snow White
'Lets crack the bubbly and dance through the night!'
'You there, Cinders, get me some booze!
'Oh me feet ache let me take off me shoes
'Oh how embarrassing there's a hole in me tights
'Snow White our kid can you fix em tonight?
'I can't hardly dance with me toes out on show
'The Charming Prince wouldn't give me a go
'Come on Cinders, where've you gone with me drink?
'Just open a bottle you don't need to think!
'Honestly these days you can't get the staff
'A competent servant? You're havin a laugh!
'Crikey where has the girl gotten to?
'I'll wring your neck if you say 'she's behind you!'
'I'm gasping and spitting feathers over here
'I could murder a bottle of nice ice cold beer
'Honestly I have to everythin meself
'I'll grab me a drink from down on the shelf'
Meanwhile Cinders Red and Goldie
Hid from the queen she was a bit of an oldie
The Dwarfs simply watched their old nemesis
If stayed for the party they'd give it a miss
Snow White should never have invited her mum
Who drank and cursed and blew bubbles with her gum.

Title: the guest list grows
Author: Maggie Huscroft

She was sitting there just dribbling
When in walked Cinders ugly siblings
And right behind them, dear old dad
Baron Hardup, " He's not so bad,
He's scrubbed up nice" muttered the Queen
He'll do for me He's not so green!"
Just then the Prince's friend, Dandini
Arrives with Aladdin's Genie
Jack, Aladdin, Buttons too
"The boys are here! The whole damn crew!'

Title: Cinders fetch me ....
Author: Carl Glover

And would you Adam n' Eve it?
They all got in the grove with the 'Cinders fetch me.. ' bit
They had her running for drinks and mopping their brow
Especially her sisters - the wizen old cows.
So followed the theme that pantomine's tell
That everyone picks on the ball's fairest belle.
Until three hairy bouncers arrived on the scene
And all Asbo contenders began acting serene
Cinders smiled as she at last paused to see
One of her sisters sat on Baron Hardup's knee.

Title: the fairy godmother is worried
Author: Maggie Huscroft

Meanwhile back at the Palace
Prince Charming's conferring with little Alice
They making the ballroom a wonderland
With disco lights and a live rock band.
They're just congratulating each other
When in flies Cinder's fairy godmother.
She's getting shaky, she's quite unsteady
For no one seems to be getting ready
''I want Cinders to make splash
And dance with you at tonight's bash,
But first I've got to make a spell
To get her a dress, glass shoes as well!"

Title: Wonderland
Author: Tanya Withers

Alice may be young but you know she's real deep
And she soon susses out that Prince C is a creep
But she's quite taken up with Fairy Godmother Flo
And wonders what gives her her get up and go
If she can use magic to make ballgowns and shoes
Alice thinks she's a winner; unless it's a ruse?
"Flo?" she asks, all sweetness and light.
"How many outfits can you magic each night?"

Title: Flo in Demand
Author: Lloyd Williams

'It varies' said flo 'from night to night
'And whether or not the moon's shining bright
'And whether or not I'm fighting off blokes
'Some that approch must are having a joke
'They say they want me for my killer looks
'But I know they're after my magical books
'Take youg Prince Charming, handsome and tall
'Strutting around like the buck of the ball
'One night he came knocking and calling my name
'"Flo!" he called out, to the window I came
"I was wondering Flo if you'd be my bride?
"You're skin is so fair and your eyes are so wide!"
'Wide said I? That's the best you can do?
'What are you after, what are you upto?
"Nothing" he called "I love you sincerely
"I want you for my bride so I can love you dearly"
'He was creeping I knew, always the brat
'And down on one knee he looked like a pratt'
Alice was relieved and tonight she would sleep
Safe in the knowledge that the Prince was a creep
There being no other nice suitors in sight
Alice would focus on Flo for the night
And figure out how to make stunning glass shoes
And dresses and ribbons in greens and in blues

Title: Flo plays Santa
Author: Maggie Huscroft

So all through the night Alice and Flo
Visit every girl in the Princedom they know
Just like Santa and Rudolf and the other deer,
They leave parcels of goodies and a bottle of beer
Then, comes the dawn, after their hardworking night
And maidens all round wake up with delight.
There are dresses of silk in various hues
Ermine trimmed cloaks and dancing shoes
Necklaces, rings, and buckles of brass
Velvets and satins but no shoes of glass.
So Flo takes a nap ( the night has been tough)
And before the evning she'll do her stuff.

Title: Later. back in the kitchen
Author: Maggie Huscroft

Its late evening now and its all deathly quiet
But at seven –o'- clock there was such a riot
The ugly sisters started to fight
Into their dresses that were a bit tight
( so, too were they, but we won't dwell on that )
They screamed and hollered and kicked the cat
Eventually they went out at eight,
With their dad, and Aladdin and Jack who was late.
Buttons went too, though he usually stayed home
For Flo had made him an outfit from Rome.
He looked so dashing on his way to the Palace
As he tripped along with Wonderful Alice.
She looked lovely and pretty in her Alice-blue gown
And a golden tiara that looked like a crown.
The entire population have gone to the ball
Exept little Cinders, as you may recall.

Title: Balled Out
Author: Kelly Sweet

The ballroom was getting mighty cramped
And armpits, it has to be said, were quite damp
That's the downside of guys and gals in big dresses
Elton John would know this when he last wore his tresses
People were dancing and looking quite dazed
The band were trying to play Purple Haze
The bouncers were really earning their keep
Until one by one all the crowd fell asleep
All , that is, except Little Bo Peep -
well-trained to keep an eye on her sheep
She carried on dancing alone
with a watchful eye on the heir to the throne.

Title: Ah but...
Author: Peter Philips

Ah but let's not forgot that Bo Peep lost them
And didn't know where to find them
The same went for the Prince
And did it make her wince
When she lost concentration
And despite her determination
Found that he'd gone
And then there was one...

Title: Boy did we see this coming ..
Author: Bernie Pointer

Boy did we see this coming ..

Where’s the prince she tearfully asked
And the audience so tasked
Respond with true panto zeal
An encore’s coming, can’t you feel?

He’s behind you!


Title: he's behind you
Author: Maggie Huscroft

We know things she doesn't know
It's not the Prince, he left long ago
It's Mr Wolf, and in one leap
He could be devouring Ms. Bo-Peep
So come on kids! Don't sit and pout
To save Bo-Peep, you've got to shout.



Title: Interval- came the dawn
Author: Maggie Huscroft

So now we've had a break and an ice cream too.
It's time to see what happening in this pantozoo.
The ball took place ( just as we knew it would)
With Bo Peep, Goldie and Red Riding Hood,
The Ugly Sisters, the Wicked Queen
(with Baron Hard-up ! how obscene! )
Buttons was there, with little Alice,
Jack, Aladdin, and Dandini from the palace,
The Seven Dwarves and Snow White,
Three Bears and Wolf had danced all night.
Next morning just as the dawn broke
As if by magic, they all awoke.
What did they find on the palace stair?
Not one glass shoe, but a pair.
Left there, no doubt, by Cinderella
Who went off with that Charming fella.

Title: Peep Toes
Author: Bernie Pointer

Glass shoes with peep toes are no good for balls
Maybe she didn't wear them at all?
Could she have brought them in a box
And then decided they didn't match her frock?
The bears seemed to recall her shoes were red
Or were they thinking of a red hood instead?

Title: A Very Sneaky Move
Author: Jack Beeton

Did no one notice Dorothy at your Panto Ball?

I don’t know why, she was the best of all.

She danced so well with her friend of straw

(Sorry for the mess on the ballroom floor)

Her feet now swollen, off came one shoe,

Then quickly slipped off to the nearest loo.

Prince Charming returning from his affair

Thought, if that shoe was glass he’d have a spare.

Barefoot Cinders at this great ball, knew couldn’t stay

Then met Dorothy hobbling as she went on her way.

(Cinders noticed she’d lost one shoe)

“You’ll not get away with that!” she said

“The Prince I know can’t stand red.”

Title: Puss in Boots
Author: Bernie Pointer

"Hush", said Dot, "don't be so catty.
If the prince likes you, he must be batty.
He's not into shoes at all.
The best attire for his ball.
Was, it seems, laced-up boots.
Which is why he thought that Puss was cute."

Title: Prince Gets The Boot
Author: jack beeton

The Prince walked by and overheard

“Go home you two, I’m off to find another bird”

Cindy asked, “Now what’s to do?”

Without a word; Dorothy took off the other shoe

Princie now the worst for wear

Failed to see the missile fly through the air

The clock the midnight hour had struck

(Red shoes, glass or even boots)

Tonight the Prince was out of luck

Title: the end is in sight (maybe)
Author: Maggie Huscroft

'' Oh golly gosh !'' prince Charming cried
and swooned ( Dot thought he'd died )

His inert figure just lay there
with bits of shoe stuck in his hair

then the two girls, ( now they're friends )
say, '' this is how the story ends ''

we don't know if we're cold or hot
it' s such a mess, we've lost the plot

if you can sort it out for us,
we promise not to make a fuss''

so all that's needed for our show
is a denouement, how does it go?

Title: Just Good Friends
Author: Jack Beeton

"Oh dear me well I never"

When Prince saw the girls standing together

No chance with these two he could see

So off he went to have some tea

"Hopefully"; Cinderella sighed

" My coach will be waiting just outside

In they got and coyly laughed

"Your place or mine?" Dorothy asked

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