Friday 31st March 2006 into Saturday 1st April 2006
2330 hours Bus Station Taxi Rank.
A kid of about 16 staggered over to the cab. The door handle was too difficult so I lowered the window.
"Ow much into town?" he slurred.
We agreed a tenner. He slumped in beside me.
"Fuckin' ell mate" he began "Fuckin' thrown out this time of night.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Fuckin' slag got her old man round - fuckin' chucked me out."
"She's got a flat cos of er fuckin' kid. It ain't my brat mate. She's a fuckin' whore right. Fuckin' fat cow keeps fartin' in bed so I slapped her one. She's fuckin' had it with me. Know what I mean?"
"I know" I said.
0020 hours City Rank.
I heard them shouting - football stuff. I watched a group of four chavs walk up the rank in the middle of the road. Two were supporting a third smaller one. A larger lad stood slightly aside. He was on top, Monarch of the Glen, Bambi's dad.
They got in. Bambi's dad sat in front beside me.
"You aint got a fuckin' problem with having a fuckin' ginger midget in the back have ya mate? he quipped.
"Giants, midgets, bullies..this is a politically correct zone" I said, giving him a hard look in the eyes. I had to get on top of this one.
I checked the rear view. The small lad was out of it and a bit ginger. He was the target. I wanted to keep it that way. Bambi's dad had an edge.
"Where' the pussy mate? we just want fuckin pussy" came a voice from the back
"I don't provide that" I said.
"You some sort of wanker?" asked the boss
I let it ride. "where do you wanna go?" I asked.
"Fuckin clubbin' fuckin HEAVEN fuckin' NIRRVANNNA" shouted the boss.
Bambi's dad was no mug. He had antlers.
"Fuckin get the music on mate" he said, lunging at the dash.
I caught his hand.
"Fuckin' behave or fuck off" I said.
"Nah...sound mate..sound...we're chillin man" he said.
We pulled away.
"We want fuckin' pussy" repeated one the pack behind me.
"You'd fuck anything" said Bambi's dad
"I fuckin would" came the reply.
"That fuckin ginger midget would fuck a fuckin horse." said Bambi's dad.
"It'd ave to be a fuckin' shetland pony" said one of the pack"
"Yeah, fuckin' shetland pony" took up the boss" We could get 'im a fuckin midget horse and get 'im to fuck it and breed a load of them Senataurs...half fuckin' pony half ginger midget. We could sell the fuckers on e-bay. What d'ya think of that driver?"
"Good business plan, poor genetics" I said.
Down town I watched them weave away towards a night club. Two gorillas on the door regarded them with slow eyes and pulled back their shoulders in their one size too small jackets.
0115 hours. Outside The Tavern.
She was about 50, drunk but coping. A younger male stumbled along behind her. She got in the front and spoke quickly.
"Take us out the West estate mate - but don't tell this cunt where we're going" she said.
The male struggled into the back and lay down. We set off for the estate.
"E's fuckin' payin'" she explained "thinks he's gettin' a shag"
"He's not getting one from me" I said.
"Not from me either" laughed the woman, placing her hand on my thigh "I fuckin' love you. You could get a shag if you stay nice."
I made no comment.
We stopped at a grafitti daubed tower block. The woman got out. So did I.
"He'll sort you out for the ride" she said.
The male came to and got out. The woman started to run. I let her go and grabbed the man.
"£18.80" I said.
He pulled away but slipped on the muddy ground. His cheek went down into some dog shit. It stank.
"£18.80" I repeated.
He fumbled in his pockets and dragged out a twenty. It was wet and warm. I sniffed it. He had pissed himself.
"I've been fuckin' 'ad over" he gurgled.
Rain haloed around the orange street lamps. A police car slowed and lowered a window.
"Everything OK driver" asked a young girl cop of about 19.
"Just a piss-head" I said.
"This lot are fuckin' scum" said the Lolita cop.
0300 hours City Rank.
The clubs were turning out. Two young women and a chav came to the cab. The older female stayed outside and the couple got in the back, giggling,sharing a joint.
"She's a dirty fuckin' slut" shouted the lone woman through the door. She likes it up the ass. Give her one dry up the ass DARRIN."
The couple laughed. The older woman addressed me.
"I'm her fuckin' sister right but she's a dirty fuckin slut - takes it up the back"
"It's a liberal democracy" I said.
We pulled away. The sweet balm of second-hand cannabis was pleasant. I checked the rear view. She had his limp knob in her hand.
0400 hours. Bus Sation Rank. Rain fell mournfully. Odd shouts came from a mob at the burger van. I watched a lonely fat girl in high heels lurching along the pavement.
"Fat fuckin' whore" screamed a girl in mid kebab.
The fat girl slipped from the kerb and fell. I could hear her sobbing.
Some pathetic atavistic chivalry from a forgotten universe made me walk over to her.
"Fuck off you fuckin' pervert." she said before I spoke.
I fucked off.
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> A day in my life