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  You are @ HomeAdults Poetry


Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: Billy and his placard mix-up

Billy did his work experience at the TV studios
They had him prompt the audience on the Jeremy Kyle Show
Today he was the placard man
It didn't quite all go to plan
He started well enough, with a blaze of optimism
Having quelled the doubts and fears of the presenters scepticism
And to control the rabid women and men
He'd written down instructions in huge felt-pen
" Applaud " and " Laugh ", " Go Aaah " and " Cheer "
" Gasp " and " Boo " and " Hiss " and " Jeer "
He'd wrap them round his finger like a brutal State-run militia
Today it's just that Kyle bloke, tomorrow...maybe...Trisha
To hold the cards aloft on hers, would really be the cream
That was Billy's Mecca, his sad and wistful dream

And so the theme tune grates us like we're in a dentists chair
Billy grabs his " Applaud " card and waves it in the air
Hands are clapped obediently - " IT'S THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW "
Things are going swimmingly and Billy's all a glow
Now they tell us what's in store along the bottom of the screen
" My husband's secret love affair with Her Majesty the Queen "

Tracksuit lass blubs openly, bemoans her other half
But disaster, Billy's lost his " Go Aaah " sign and instead the audience " Laugh "
She can't believe the harsh reaction, breaks down in floods of tears
Again he's held the wrong card up, and now the studio cheers
Presenter lets her take her time, with Billy he aint happy
She's given a sec to blow her nose on her stolen Burberry nappy
Billy in his panic, now has the audience booing
The cameraman stares back at him... ' What the hell's he doing? '
But Billy doesn't notice this , his confidence is gone
In a flap, nerves in tatters, it's going badly wrong

Time to try and rescue this
Bring on the cheat to " Boo " and " Hiss "
But as husband charges onto stage
Expecting torrents of wrath and rage
Billy whips out another board
And the attentive sheep start to applaud
" I keep tellin' ya you stoopid BLEEP, nuffink 'appened, yer just nit-picking
I left 'er with 'er BLEEP corgis outside Kentucky fried chicken "
Got to get it right this time, get them all to " Jeer "
There it is... oh blast and bugger, wrong again, that's " Cheer "
His hopes are dashed to pieces now, no future in TV Chat
Cameraman frowns and mouths to him " You're a @#!!@#!! stupid twat "

The wife turns on the audience with a volley of profanity
Chairs are flying through the air, descent into insanity
Billy whimpers quietly and lifts one placard after another
It wasn't meant to go like this and now he wants his mother
Brawling in bunches
Dodging flying punches
Cameras are smashed
Studio's trashed
Blimey it's all go
On The Jeremy Kyle show
And Jeremy himself is crawling on all fours
Searching for escape routes, searching for the doors
" RUINED! RUINED! My beautiful, beautiful show! "
If he comes across that placard boy, he's gonna strike a deadly blow
But Billy's gone into overload, his arms are just a blur
Those bits of card slice through the air, in a constant windmill whirr

For any American users who may read this, just replace Jeremy Kyle with Jerry Springer, and the Queen with...umm....I dunno, Madonna.

Published on writebuzz®: Adults > Poetry

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