Earth Minus Jeans Equals Slacks ( the 1st silly bit )
Security comes in different forms at different ages.
At two years old it might be a blanket. At six, maybe your favourite teddy bear. At thirteen, a video game in which you get to blow the heads off as many rival gangsters as your violent, sadistic teenage heart pleases... particularly if you're bored of pulling the legs off of spiders.
Once you enter the world of adulthood however, one of the most unsettling aspects of your life is starting a new job.
This is where your introductory handbook comes in and serves as your security blanket. It warmly welcomes you into the company fold and wraps a friendly arm around you, saying to you in an inexplicably transatlantic accent : " Hey there buddy, I thaank you're gonna settle in here just fine, everythaang is gonna be just swell. "
That's just before they outline all the disciplinary proceedures should you decide to pull your boss's hair or stick your tongue out at him/her.
We've all owned and experienced that handbook at some time, the one that went along the following lines:
Welcome to ( enter your company name here ) Plc
The company was founded in 1666 with the first branch opening as little more than a market stall in Pudding Lane, London. Unfortunately it burnt down and it's committed staff were regrettably wiped out, but some 340 years later ( enter your company name here ) has become the leading trader of Jeans and fashion-wear in the UK with over sixty stores across the country providing a wide range of casual clothing of excellent quality and value blah blah blah self congratulating waffle blah blah....
The Lie :
As a new member of our team, you will play a key role in our continued success story... (bzzz)...We endeavour to provide an interesting and enjoyable working environment... (bzzz)...in which all our employees are allowed to develop to their maximum potential... (bzzz)...We encourage early promotion from within the company to all management positions for those employees who demonstrate the commitment to succeed... (bzzz)... We look forward to you joining our winning team... (bzzzzzz)...and feel sure that you will find your time with us richly rewarding... (BZZZZZ! KABOOOM!)
The Truth :
Shut up and be grateful you have a job at all... and where's that bloody tea!
The Truth : ( Longer version )
This might take a little longer to explain, but if our new employers really wanted to be of some help, perhaps their friendly handbooks could be slightly more honest with us.
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