A witch called Joan

Was on the phone

Talking through her troubles

I was skinny

Dirty too

Blowing Anglo bubbles

I'd been playing footy

Outside her shitshed home

I'd kicked one in her garden

And broke her laughing gnome

She was telling Five-0

That i was urchin dirt

"He's eight years old, with a mouth like sin

And a filthy football shirt"

The Five-0 came

And took me home

Presented me to Mum

Said "Wash this little bastard,

And smack his bloody bum"

But Mum she took me by the hand

"Broke her bloody Gnome

It's time i had a word or two

With that hard faced bitch called Joan"

So we marched around to Joans house

And we looked in the window

And there was Joan,Legs apart

With three of the Five-0

Twisted, Haggard legs apart

With THREE of the Five-0

My Mum just laughed

And looked at me

And said "get the neighbours son"

And for everybody in the street

Joans window was a Television

Someone phoned the Five-0

And told them to come quick

"Theres a woman here loves Five-0,

Your truncheons and your dicks"

Three cars arrived

And out they jumped

And stood in line for Joan

And we were laughing wildly

Just like that broken Gnome.