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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Joe Barrett

Title: Flogging a Red Horse


Lucille: young, attractive woman

Soosha: a flirtatious young woman

An angry old man

Man in Trench coat

Several bystanders

Scene: Lucille is standing at a street bus stop next to a bus.

Lucille: Come on folks, don’t be shy. You won’t get a better deal this week. Who’ll give me ten pounds for this London red bus? (Lucille pats the side of the bus as if she were patting a healthy horse.) You sir, you look like a man who knows a good deal when he sees one. Ten pound for a healthy horse?

Bystander: What?

Lucille: What?

Bystander: You said horse. It’s a bus.

Lucille: Oops, so I did. Silly me… Well, would you be interested in a red horse?

Bystander: BUS WOMAN! IT’S A BUS!

Lucille: Same difference. Do you want it or not?

Bystander: No thanks. I’ve got one already.

Lucille: Well piss off then, timewasters make my blood boil.
(The bystander walks away and jumps on the back of the bus)

Lucille: (exasperated) OK, is there anyone else here interested in this fine example of twentieth century public transport?
(A small crowd has formed and Soosha steps forward holding a cat on a lead.)

Soosha: I might be interested.

Lucille: Really? Thank God. A girl who knows a bargain. (Lucille looks Soosha up and down) And what a pretty little thing you are too.

Soosha: Who me? The same could be said of you. (Soosha walks a small circle around Lucille, smiling and stroking her cat seductively.) What says I give you a fiver for the horse and then you and I go back to my place for some horsing around? (Soosha lets out a nervous, girly giggle.)

Lucille: It’s a bus!

Soosha: Pardon?

Lucille: I SAID it’s a bus.

(Soosha looks the bus up and down and a look of embarrassed realisation appears on her face.)

Soosha: I am soooo sorry. What was I thinking? Mistaking a bus for a horse? DUH-UH!
Still, we can still get it on, right? (Soosha cosies up to Lucille, sticks her bottom lip out in mock sorrow and caresses her hip gently. At this, an old man pushes through the crowd cursing and waving his walking stick.)

Old man: STOP STOP STOP! You dirty little bastards! Filth Filth I say. (Lucille and Soosha back up against the bus looking shocked and scared. The old man wields his stick like a swordsman, with his left arm raised behind him like the hero in an old movie.)
LESBIANS! God put a curse on the Filth. (The old man slowly closes in on the two young women. He makes small circles in the faces of each of them with his stick.)
Which of you two VILE bitches shall I slay first hmmm?

Lucille: P… Please sir. I’m not a lesbonian… er…lesba…I mean lesbu… LISTEN, I DON’T LIKE PUSSY OK! (Lucille grabs the walking stick from the old man and throws it into the crowd.)

Old man: AH AH! The slut fights back. (The old man holds out his hand behind him and without turning to the crowd he addresses them in a loud voice.) Will a good, God-fearing compatriot do me the honour of returning my stick to my hand that I may thwart these Lesbonia…Lesboo…Lesbay…PUSSY MUNCHAAARS vile intentions?
(There is a small commotion in the crowd as a man in a trench coat and a bowler hat pushes through with the stick in his hand, walks coolly up to the old man and strikes him down with it.)

Man in Trench coat: (Turning to Lucille and Soosha and speaking in a thick West country accent) I’ll give you a fiver for the bus, a fiver for the horse and fiver for the cat if you will please please please FUCK OFF!!!!!!

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