Press The Interactive Red Button
" ....and Eastenders returns tomorrow night at the same time, but if you can't wait to find out whether Jim did indeed put rat poison in Dot's tuna sandwich that was accidentally eaten by Sonia, just press the red button.... "
This red button is just the business.
It's amazing what modern technology allows you to do these days. I pressed it to watch tomorrows episode because I couldn't even wait twenty-four hours for it. And at the end of watching tomorrows episode, they told me to press the red button again if I wanted to watch next tuesdays straight away after that.
I'm thinking like, wow are you kidding? Of course I wanna see next tuesdays episode now, 'cos I just gotta find out whether Martin comes out of his coma having crashed his car to avoid hitting Sonia as she stumbled out of the house into the road gasping desperately for air after eating the poisoned sandwich.
So I pressed the red button again and watched next tuesdays episode as well... which was great.
And at the end of that one, the man with the British Broadcasting Crap voice told me that if I couldn't wait for a week next thursdays episode in order to find out why Arthur, Pauline, Den, Ethel and Tiffany are all holding a vigil at Martin's bedside even though they're all supposed to be dead, all I had to do was press the red button and I could watch that one straight away as well.
It's like, I mean, fantastic you know. I'm in some kind of red-button-soap-opera-in-advance-heaven.
Anyway like, I've been sitting in this armchair now for twelve days, and it's reached a point where I'm watching episodes that haven't even been filmed yet....with new characters played by actors who don't even know they've been offered a part in it yet.
I mean like, just how cool is that?!
That blonde one who used to be in the spice girls is gonna be so chuffed when she finds out she's playing the new slutty barmaid in the Queen Vic. Bet she doesn't even know she's gonna be an actress yet, well you know, sort of an actress anyway.
And Naomi Campbell is gonna be so chuffed when she finds out she's playing a fence post in Phil Mitchell's back garden.
Yeah, I'm up to Eastenders 2010 now, in less than two weeks just through pushing this red button and....pardon?....No...no they still haven't killed Ian Beale off.
But it's just amazing like, I mean totally brilliant innit...it's.....it's.......
The red button.
A manifestation of the devil here on earth.
I can't get out of the house, I can't even get out of the living room into the hallway.
The red button has become everything. Controlling me. It is master. I am slave.
They keep telling me to press it.
I just watched the weather at the end of the six o'clock news, and John Kettley informed me with an evil glint in his eye that if I couldn't wait for the weather at the end of the ten o'clock news, all I had to do was press the red button and I could watch the next weather forecast straight away.
I broke into a sweat. I knew that I really didn't need to see the next forecast four hours in advance, I mean how different was it gonna be from the previous one anyway?
I really didn't want to press that red button again.
But I pressed the red button again.
I'm presently watching the forecast for 26th March 2008, presented by a woman who at the moment does the travel on Kent Radio. If only she knew what fame and riches await her.
If only she were pressing her red button like I am.
No wait. I am converted.
This red button....is....God.
Would the devil allow me such powers of communication? Would the devil have suddenly bestowed upon me an online social life? Would the devil have allowed me to chat online with the much-respected-but-ultimately-rather-mediocre-Hazel-Irvine on BBC Sports Interactive? Would the devil have enabled me to debate with her over who had the best safety-play out of Steve Davis and Stephen Hendry just by pressing the red interactive button?
I think not, with a double whopper scoff with extra cheese.
I've seen the light. Why did I think it was such a bad thing that I had traded in the outside world in exchange for a lifetime of pressing this red button? I mean like, this red button is.... is.....
Is Lucifer incarnate.
He is possessing our television dependancy.
Press the red button for this.
Press the red button for that.
Press it to discover whether your wife is having an affair.
Press it to find out when you will be made redundant.
Press it to see if you have the beginnings of a terminal disease.
Press it if you want to know what people really think about you behind your back.
Press it to discover just how willing the American President would be to press his own red button.
" .....And your mundane routine-dictated life resumes again tomorrow morning at the same time, but if you can't wait to find out whether you do indeed die of a sudden unsuspected heart attack in your sleep, and consequently can't wait to find out whether there is such a thing as an afterlife, just press the red button.... "
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