It's a failed Channel four experiment
They thought they'd broadcast live
A prog that started at midday
Still running at ten past five
Des has lost the will to breathe, he's teetering on the brink
And fuzzy-jumpered dictionary man's been driven to the drink
A four letter conundrum, B-A-O and T
" And here's a clue to help you girls, you might sail this on the sea "
" Hmmm " says Christy
" Yikes " says Eva
Elle scratches her head
I've not seen faces look this blank
Since ' Night of the living dead '
" Umm " says Claudia
" Errr " says Cindy
God, I'd rather watch ' Mork and Mindy '
Than endure much more of this tumbleweed dross
And now it's the turn of Her-flared-nostril-ness Moss
Rummaging in her Gucci bag and muttering
" Where's my frigging lip-gloss "
Off camera nudge, " Oh sorry, hello Carol "
" Can I have a conter- a const... one of them ones that's not a vowel "
" We've done that bit already Kate "
Says Des, his fake tan peeling
" Besides which, Carol's hanged herself
That's her swinging from the ceiling "
Maybe Helena can save us all, she wants to have a go
" I'll have a P please Bob " You stupid cow! Wrong show!
Des finally cracks, " I'm through! I'm done! "
And from behind his desk, he draws a gun
" You airheads are slower than my computer re-booting
Two minutes to guess the answer, or I start shooting
No more Mr nice guy, and no more goddamn clues
AND FOR THE TWENTY-SEVENTH TIME NAOMI
THE ANSWER ISN'T SHOES!

" Cat? "
" No! "
" Is it Dog? "
" No it isn't bloody Dog! "
" Shoes? "
" NO! "
" Shampoo? "
" No. One minute and thirty seconds. "
" House? "
" No! "
" Is it shoes? "
" No! The answer is Boat for christs sake! There, I've told you! "
" Um... "
" Er... "
" What's wrong with you, I just told you the answer! " Des screams, wielding the gun threateningly. " So what's the answer...somebody please! "
" Shoes! "
Des shoots Naomi. ( And with that a nation celebrates. )
" I got it! " Kate shouts. " Mascara. "
Des shoots himself.