Not tonight dear
In fact not any night,
In twenty long years
You've not once got it right.

Not tonight dear
It's my head can't you see?,
Plus I get much more pleasure
From the black and white T.V.

Not tonight dear
'Cause you've not had a bath,
And the size of your manhood
Well, just makes me laugh.

Not tonight dear
Oh I've tried to be kind,
It's because you're so ugly
I prefer it from behind.

Not tonight dear
Can't you hear what I say?
I'll only lie down
If you give me some pay.

Not tonight dear
Please try to stay calm,
I'm afraid it's just you
And the old widow palm.

Alright then dear
I'm not a total old hag,
But do me one favour
Wear that brown paper bag.

Was that it then dear?
'Cause I didn't feel a thing,
That's what you get with a man
And a small ding-a-ling.