My favourites are those ones
with the outrageous blue faces
and unfeasably orange sticky-out arses
and the curl back lips
that show off their glistening fangs .
Fangs ! Whats that all about anyway ?
They eat vegetables for gods sake , same as sheep .
But if Gordon Brown said everyone had to own a monkey
well thats the one I would have .
Leys face it , a Gorilla would be a tad too much around the house ,
shitting on the axminster ,
and pulling down the curtains matter-of-factly ,
and comandeering the t.v. remote control .
So no , even though Gorillas in the Mist
was a good film ,
they would just wanna be the boss
in any domestic situation .
And you can't really argue with a silverback .
An Oran-Utan might not be too bad ,
they seem quite placid natured ,
bit like a labrador dog
except more hairy .
And you could send them up on the roof
to tune the aeriel when needs be ,
which you can't do with a labrador .
And that one called Clyde was pretty cool
with Clint Eastwood
in Any Which Way But Loose .
Except it was allways eating exotic fruit ,
like all the time , constantly .
My grocer would so love me
if I got one of them .
Plus , it would probably scare the window cleaner
and cause him to fall off his ladder .
Which would result in a compensation claim ,
although the Oran-Utan wouldn't give a toss .
Perhaps a chimpanzee ?
Nah !
It would just invite all it's mates round ,
once it got it's feet under the table ,
for wild tea parties and sex orgies ,
while you are out at work .
And when you questioned it about the mess later
it would just do that grinning thing
and feign indifference .
And then later that night
you would find what looks like
mashed up bananas
under the duvet .
And the chimp would refuse point blank
to get out of it's dog basket
and help clear it up .
Bloody teenage primate attitude !
So if I had to make a choice
it would definitely be
one of those blue faced ones
with the big orange arses .
Does anyone know
if tax relief is available
on large quantities of bananas ?