If scoring a goal is as good as sex
can you answer me this?
Why oh why on Saturdays
does my team mostly miss?

If " Music be the food of love"
who said that must be a prat?
'Cause in fifteen years of listening
I still can't stomach Take That.

If my cat truly has nine lives
why is he now not sitting on my fence?
The fact I ran him over in my car
should make no difference.

If my dog has such a keen sense of smell
he should be told off by his mum.
'cause why does he sniff around other dogs nuts
and then lick his own bum?

If they say my house is well alarmed
then I don't see what they see,
It doesn't look under any strain
or seem that worried to me.

If you don't know what you've got till it's gone
why worry about the loss?
If something went I didn't know I had
I wouldn't give a toss.

If can be a powerful word
makes wrongs right and cans can't,
Like if my mums sister had a set of balls
she wouldn't be my aunt.