I can send icy shivers right down your spine
I can fill your mind with dread,
In fact I can really give you the shits
On the downside I am dead.

But when I put on a show of moving things
or appear as a ball of mist,
Most people yawn or rub their eyes
and put it down to being pissed.

I've been exorcised and demonised
and hexed by some old hag,
I could handle all that if only I could find
another ghost who fancies a shag.

When I was alive I must admit
I was what you'd call a dandy,
And ninety nine percent of the day
I felt aroused and rather randy.

I liked the company of the fairer sex
and that's what got me into trouble,
The husband of my new mistress
caught me out and burst my bubble.

He and other husbands I'd wronged
decided I'd been too much a giver,
To teach me a lesson for having their wives
they drowned me in the river.

The pearly gates were closed to me
they ignored my raves and rants,
One angel said " Just bugger off,
you should have kept it in your pants."

The chief angel said to me quite firm
" In good points you are lagging.
We'll have to make you pay you know,
for your endless cheating and shagging."

My punishment for a sinful life
is one I still think iffy,
I'm the only ghost who has to haunt
with a three hundred year old stiffy.