I've tried most things in life
just to try to get ahead.
I've now taken to talking
to the departed and long dead.

Come to my home at midnight
for an experience that's frightening.
It's all done with mirrors
and a splashing of mood lighting.

Sit around in a circle
with your hands joined on the table.
" Contact your sweet late mother sir.?"
I don't think I'm even able

Tonight I'll make some noises
maybe go into a trance.
I'll even start to speak in tongues
if given half a chance.

The people stare in wonder
because they're desperate to believe.
They don't realise it's a pisstake
and I'm robbing them as they grieve.

Yes I know that I'm a scumbag
and a bit of a dirty louse.
But I'm making a bloody fortune
without leaving my nice warm house.

There was once a genuine time I'm sure
on that I would have sworn.
I seemed to contact a randy ghost
who had the permanent horn.

One day I might give up this life
but I wouldn't hold your breath.
I'm doing rather well these days
and it's all been down to death.