The latest cut of lamb is here
From the Hollywood assembly line
May burn a hole in some sap's pocket
But the fire won't spread to mine
Deep American trailer voice says
" Predator versus Alien, a brutal war, insanity...."
I stifle a yawn and trim my toenails
More like a crime against humanity

And the rest of the trailer is hysterically dull
Guys shouting " Oh my gaad! " and " What the hell is that! "
I think I could answer that one pal, " it's complete and utter shat! "
Lots of people screaming, squelchy noises and explosions
Just this snapshot alone causes me major brain-cell erosions
Throw two movie monsters into one, it cannot fail to sell
I'm surprised they didn't chuck in Freddie Kruger as well
With a cameo from Dracula, would have been ruddy good
And the most evil creature of them all, Gloria Hunniford ( dodgy rhyme? )

They'll throw together what they like, all but the kitchen sink
Watched by the easily entertained, who don't want to have to think
Whilst picking bits of popcorn from between their rotting teeth
It's a movie made by morons, in the name of Art we lay a wreath

" So, Mister film director, and I use that term loosely of course. Can anyone in this film act at all, or am I just being ridiculous? "
" Err no, but all members of the cast are very good at screaming and shouting and er...er, more screaming. "
" Right, and what about cinematography? "
" Cinnamon what? "
" Er no, cin-ema-tog-raphy. What I mean is, does the film contain an imaginitive backdrop, or inspiring scenery, or maybe you have employed alternative, ground-breaking techniques of filming?....."
" .................er...........um.....?....."
" Or is it just loads of blood all over the place? "
" Yes! That's it! Lots of blood, and er, people screaming and shouting a lot, yes. "
" Great. I can see it's going to be the 'must-see movie of the year'. And tell us about the script, can we expect a sharp, clever and fast-paced dialogue and chemistry between the main characters? Or is that kind of like expecting President Bush to stop mispronouncing foreign countries like Hungaria, Bulgaslavia and Afghanisland? "
" Well, what we've tried to do is keep the dialogue simple and to a minimum because... "
" Because your audiences are stupid. "
" .....Exactly, so most of it is just- "
" Screaming and shouting, yes I'm beginning to get the picture. "
" With all due respect, it's not all screaming and shouting and blood everywhere. There are some good one-liners in there now and again. "
" Oh don't tell me, let me guess. Lines such as ' Oh my god, somebody help me! - Put the kids to bed honey, I've got to go and fight a huge alien beast with big teeth - Oh damn and blast, it appears my arm's just been torn off..... "
" How d'ya know all that, you got a pirate copy or something? "

To the architects of Predator versus Alien
Jolly well done to all concerned
For this, another total crock of shit
You should be publicly burned
Me, I dream of Peter Lorre, Bogart and Bacall
Actors who could ACT, and gave each part their all
I long for Sellers, pine for Guinness, Poitier and Steiger
Not gonna see their like again, more chance of climbing The Eiger

You might say my tastes are dated, that I'm clinging to the past
But that stupid movie-trailer-voice turns me off and I can't be arsed
Not that I have seen this film, and I doubt I ever will
I'd rather watch the fungus grow on my bleeding window-seal