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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: April Walsh Day

" For the very best deals on flights to over err....two destinations currently....click on BA.com and check out our latest prices....
From Arrivals to Baggage carousel 1, just 45 pounds return!
From Baggage carousel 1 to Baggage carousel 2, only 35 pounds return!
From Baggage carousel 2 back to carousel 1, with stop offs at carousel numbers 3 and 5 included, a staggering 85 pounds.
From Baggage carousel 1 to a nearby member of staff who doesn't know what the hell is going on, with stop offs at despondancy and despair thrown in for free, just 150 pounds!
British Airways.....with over 50 destinations NOT being flown to for the foreseeable future, and with cancellations multiplying faster than a coach-trip of Rabbits going to Brighton for a dirty weekend.... you'll wish you'd flown EasyJet! "

Dear Mr Willie Walsh

Oh dear oh dear oh dear!......Oh dear oh dear OH DEAR!
Forgive me for bellowing with laughter until I fall off my chair and break my collar bone. Not at the poor bastards who have suffered at T5 over the past week, or at the people you employ to stand in the firing line when everything goes tits up, but at you Mr Walsh and your poxy, over-rated Airline.
I've flown with you on three occasions, ( the second and third time not by choice, I should point out ) and I'd probably rate you second-from-bottom out of all the Airlines I've flown with.
Only Air India come below you, and that's hardly saying a great deal is it? ( At least I got a half decent curry out of them. )
So I really have to laugh at your current predicament, whilst wondering how this institution acquired such a good reputation in the first place. Perhaps it's merely because you have the word " British " in your company name, and maybe that's a pre-requisite for a success you never deserved.

So let's have a quick summing up of your personal resume shall we Mr Walsh? We know you to be a "ruthless businessman", a "union-basher", a character right up there with Michael O'Leary as having a reputation of complete disregard for your workers and..........pardon?.....oh yes sorry Mr Walsh, er, Workers as in employees, as in the people who enable your company to operate and function correctly and in the process earn per year what you probably earn in a day.
In short, a nasty, greedy little man who will go to any lengths to block the rights of employees who are merely seeking a fair deal.

So what are we to do with you?
Well first of all, please stop saying how sorry you are, because we really couldn't give a stuff about your excuses. And for such a hard-nosed man as yourself, it's really not becoming of you.
However, I do like the line " I take full responsibility... ". That's a good one Willie, I like that. Good starting point.
Seeing as you are such an advocate of ruthless business practices, and seeing as numerous people below you have already probably copped it from you, let's now turn our attention to your own punishment.
I have devised an itinerary for you for tomorrow, which coincidentally is April Fools day, soon to be renamed April Walsh day.

0700 hours :
Not only will you approve the latest advertising campaign which I have written for you, which appears at the beginning of this piece. But you shall personally provide the voice-over for it. A television version will follow soon after, where you will appear before our screens, reading the transcript with the word " Twat " written across your forehead in black marker pen.

0800 hours :
You will personally arrange a widespread compensation package, in which every passenger ( and I mean EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER ) who has been affected by the shambles at T5 receives a free flight to the destination of their choice, to be taken during the course of the next twelve months.
Furthermore, every member of staff who has had to deal with humiliation and abuse over appalling executive decisions made above their heads, will receive an extra week's paid holiday plus a 2000k pay rise. All of your staff not directly involved, will also receive this to spare you the accusations of favouritism amongst your beloved employees.

0830 hours :
You will appear on National breakfast television and personally announce these compensation packages live to the cameras.... again with the word '' Twat '' written on your forehead. What's more, you will assure the nation that all of the above will be paid for out of your own obscene, disgusting salary.

0900 hours :
You will attend a news conference, to which all passengers and staff alike are invited to bring their own assortment of rotten fruit and vegetables... and anyone else who cares to come along and join in the fun. Whenever you mention such cliches as " I take full responsibility... ", " apologies for the disruption caused... " or " we are now over the worst ", a specially hired marksman will fire air-gun pellets into your legs.

1000 hours :
Infront of the world's media, you will visit Richard Branson in his office, drop to your knees and polish his shoes whilst repeating for all to hear, " I'm sorry Mr Branson, you are of course the best at everything. "
Richard Branson will then be invited to write the word " Twat " across your forehead.

1100 hours :
Finally, in the light of you saying so many times that you take ' full responsibility ', you shall do unto yourself what you would have done unto others without hesitation.
You will give yourself the sack! No pay off! No pension fund of millions to dip into when you reach 55 years old! Go to hell! Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 pounds!

There is a revolution coming Mr Walsh. It's coming very soon.
People like you and Adam Applegarth ( he of Northern Rock ) are top of the hit-list.
Only if these demands are met, and the following itinerary is followed tomorrow on April Walsh Day, will we consider sparing you from the guillotine.
Thank you.



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