The fairness department visited me
to see how I treat my staff.
I'd been accused of poor conditions
so someones having a laugh.

" I need a list of all your staff"
said the spotty yound lad they sent.
He wanted to see how I structure their wage
and how every penny is spent.

I introduced him to Bob, my loyal foreman
who's been with me for about a year.
I said " I pay him £200 plus room and meals
and a larder stacked up with beer"

Next was the clerk, a lady called Jean
£180 a week plus a room and her dinner.
And when she clocks off she gets the run of my house
so I don't think that makes me a sinner.

Then on to the apprentice, a kid called Jim
who I help as his wages don't go far.
I pay for his lunch and give him money for going out
and even went halves on his car.

" The only one left is the halfwit" I said
and he does ninety per cent of all the work.
He starts and finishes in the cold pitch black
and is known here as a bit of a burke.

" His arse is hanging out his clothes
and for twenty years has had no life.
The only joy he gets, when time permits
is once a month he sleeps with the wife.

" That's the one " the agent said
" It's the halfwit I came to see"
" But you've seen him all along" I said to the lad
" Cause you see that the halfwit is me".