I was wondering the other day if there is such a thing as a zillion? and I thought, well if there isn't, maybe I ought to invent it and share it out amongst all those down home sub prime borrower folk across the pond who are in rather deep water; because seeing as how it would be my invention I'd decree that my zillion would have a value of precisely the amount currently down the pan, which I understand is around seven trillion dollars.

Of course, like most of us who don't work in the wanking, (OOPS, sorry, that should be banking), sector, I find it difficult to grasp the concept of a trillion, or how something of such magnificent proportion can be so easily mislaid, because in dollar terms it is a very, very large number indeed.

I then turned my thoughts to the task of developing a way in which to harvest this zillion of mine and decided that the best method would be to imbibe of several stiff Barcadi and cokes, (yes I know, very sixties, but I really like the mix), and then nod off and dream I was Merlin the magician. The seed having been sown, the deed quickly followed and once having transported myself to this rather pleasant other world, I decided that sand was the answer and after much Izzy Whizzy, lets get busy chanting and casting, arrived at the following solution:

If 1 cubic inch of Sahara desert contains 300,000 grains of averaged sized sand, (1.025 mm being the industry standard), then first multiply number of grains of sand per cubic inch by number of cubic inches in 1 cubic yard - 36 x 36 x 36 = 46,656 x 300,000 = 13,998,000,000.

Next, divide 1 trillion, 1,000,000,000,000, by 13,998,000,000, which calculates out at 71.438 which gives us the exact number of cubic yards needed to supply 1 trillion grains of averaged sized sand.

Finally multiply 71.438 cubic yard by 7, the requisite number of missing trillions, and we arrive at a figure of 500.071 cubic yards of sand, (a mere bagatelle as far as the Sahara is concerned), which I could then magic into dollars and post to all those poor unfortunates who borrowed far too much with very little ability and even less intention to repay same.

In closing, it should be stresssed that above calculation assumes no Camel shit got mixed up in the sand and that my consumption of Bacardi and Coke did nothing to impair either my vision or my mathematical ability.

Anyone care to join me for a good piss up in celebration of this brilliant idea? There's plently of cash left over for extra booze because I've found some sand in my shoes.