How the cows disappeared
The cows began to vanish on the day the rats appeared.
Come to think of it, that was the day the men began to lose their beards.
And all the cats around the town began to cat walk upside down.
And spaghetti was forbidden, which I always thought quite weird.
I think it all began with the arrival of this foreign man
Who opened up a restaurant on the corner of my street.
His name was Juan Corletti and he made the best spaghetti
That you ever could have tasted, which I always thought quite neat.
But the pasty shop just down the road was not too happy, I was told.
The manager complained to all and sundry and the Mayor.
The Mayor (who loved a pasty and was pretty mean and nasty)
Went and shut down Juan Corletti, which I always thought unfair.
Now, never cross Italians, unless you don’t mind a dead stallion
Lying next to you in bed (go ask your dad - he’ll understand).
Next the restaurateur said, “Bella! Now you’re going to get it, fella!”
Then he threw him from the restaurant, which I always thought quite grand.
Well, the Italian had a sister (because she lived abroad he missed her),
And he called her up to ask her if she’d like to come along.
His sister was a wicked witch, who had a truly evil itch
That needed scratching with some mischief, which I always thought quite wrong.
All the townsfolk loved their cats, and there is nothing wrong with that:
The Mayor, himself, he had a dozen and his wife a dozen more.
But the owners spoilt them rotten, and they wrapped them up in cotton
Wool and treated them like royals, which I always thought quite poor.
To seek revenge upon the town, she turned the pussies upside down
And made them walk upon the ceilings with their feet up in the air.
The blood rushed straight to their heads and one by one they all dropped dead,
And Juan Corletti and his sister laughed, which I always thought quite rare.
It was customary here to grow your whiskers from your ears
Down to your chin and never shave (and it was just the same for men).
It was quite a sight to see these - all these hairy beardy weirdies -
But one day their whiskers all fell out, which I thought was weird again.
It was all due to the sister of that old Italian mister -
She had cast another spell upon the people within range.
And bare faces then appeared. They all felt naked without beards,
So they all ran into hiding, which I always thought quite strange.
As the people left a gap within that town upon the map,
And the cats all died, the rats began to creep out of their holes.
And the town was overrun with tiny mammals having fun:
Rats and mice and little blind things, which I always thought were voles.
So Juan Corletti won the day in the most extraordinary way,
And he served up his spaghetti to the rodents in the town.
And, the witch, she moved back home to a small village near to Rome.
And the townsfolk stayed in hiding, but I always stayed around.
So I’m sitting on my tractor after writing all these chapters
Filled with random things I never would have made up if I could:
The spaghetti and the cats, beardy-weirdies and the rats.
But where the cows all went to I have never understood.
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