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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: The Diary Entries of a Mild Misanthropist ( 4 )

Friday 7th November

" I enjoy being a misery. I can't think of anything more unfulfilling and objectionable, than the idea of being happy.... " - Rudolph Grubenschtinkenhauser, on receiving his award for ' Mr Misanthropist 1954 '.

Celebrity culture.

It hasn't stopped raining all day.
Roger Flappington from the flat upstairs seems to think this could finally be the end of the world.
He said, and I quote ( even though I don't particularly want to ), " Maybe God has finally had enough of it all and is taking a nice long pee.... L-O-L. "
" What do you mean L-O-L? " I asked.
" L-O-L means ' laugh out loud ', I thought everyone knew that. "

Yes that's right, not content to be one of the thousands of morons who type this stupid abbreviation in their texts or emails or blogs or whatever else, Roger has to go one step further and incorporate it into his oral communication as well.
Presumably he says L-O-L at the end of anything he has said that he thinks is funny. In the olden days - ( is there such a word as olden? ) - idiots would try to crack a funny, and then attempt to sway people into finding them funny by saying at the end " No, but seriously now...."
These days it's replaced by L-O-L.

Example of a text I received recently : " Wot u up 2? God I'm so bored, just sitting around getting pissed LOL. "

Firstly, that text wasn't actually the slightest bit funny. None of it remotely constituted what I would regard as ' a joke ', therefore meaning that you had no justification in putting the letters LOL at the end.
And secondly, why bother letting me know that you are " laughing out loud " whilst typing that text?
What would you like me to do about it?
Are you asking me to join in? Am I to burst into raucous peels of laughter, whilst texting LOL back to you, just to let you know that I'm doing so?
Then do we have to keep texting LOL back and forth to each other until we've actually stopped laughing? Just so that we both know? Seems to me that would use up a hell of a lot of credit.

And where does this texting to each other of our bodily functions stop? Do I have to send a text to someone saying WAAASSSHOOOO every time I sneeze? If I sneeze whilst in the middle of typing a text to somebody, do I have to incorporate that sneeze into the text?
For example - " Wot time will u WAAASSSHOOOO be down the pub tonight? "
Can I expect a reply that says - " I'll be down there at BUUUUURRRP about 7ish "

Anyway, I'm waffling again.
So Roger expressed his theory that the incessant rain was some kind of urine-based vengeance of the almighty lord.

I just told Roger to shut the hell up, and went down the pub.

" The rats piss is tasting particularly vulgar today, " I muttered.
" Hmmm, " Trevor Bladderfoot agreed vaguely from behind his copy of the Daily Shite.
Unfortunately he'd managed to invite himself to my table once again, despite me being adamant that the other seat opposite was reserved.
" Reserved?.... " Trevor looked puzzled, " .....who for? "
" Err, um,.... for that fella over there. "
He followed the direction of my pointed thumb.
" What the one who's sitting at the bar? "
" Yeah. " I shrugged apologetically, " sorry, but what can I do? "
" But ....he's sitting at the bar. "
" Yeah um......oh hang on, no it's not reserved for him. Sorry I'm getting mixed up here, I meant Carol Vorderman, it's er...it's reserved for Carol Vorderman. "
Trevor broke into one of his irritating toothy grins. " You're kidding. "
" No really, it's true. "
" Wow.......Carol's really coming to our humble little pub? Today? "
" Yes, and that seat's reserved for her I'm afraid. "
" Wow..... " Trevor said again. " So I could say something to her like ' I'll have a pint please Carol ', L-O-L. "
" Oh christ, not you as well! "
" Pardon? "
" Nothing, just sit down if you really must. "
" Don't mind if I do, thanks for asking......she can sit on my lap if she needs to. "
" No I was.....she's not really......oh forget it. "

Since then, he'd been mercifully and quietly engrossed with his Hack Rag, paying particular attention to the gossip pages as he normally did. I'm guessing because that part had lots of big colourful pictures and not too much in the way of words to contend with.
Unfortunately these blissful moments of peace rarely last, and if Trevor spots anything he thinks is worth sharing, you can be sure of getting the lowdown.

" Kerry Katona's had another bad week apparently.... " he muttered from behind the headlines. ( The front page was announcing to me that Posh Beckham was recovering in a Los Angeles clinic, and said to be doing well after having had a small zit removed from her left cheek. )
" Really? " I stared out at the pounding rain......... " Triffic. "
Silence again.
I pondered for a moment, maybe two or three moments. I was racking my brains but it was no good, I had to ask.
" ............... Who's Kerry Katona? "
" Stuffed if I know. "
He swivelled the newspaper ( or toilet paper, whichever you prefer to call it ) in my direction to show me the mugshot that accompanied the story.
" It's upside down, " I told him.
" Oh. " He turned it the right way up to show me a jolly nice inflated photograph of a young woman, who appeared to be assuring the paparazzi scum that one of her middle fingers was still in good working order.
" Oh right.....you're talking about that... thing. I preferred the photo upside down I think. "
" Why? "
" Dunno, I think it made me believe just for a moment that she'd met the same fate as Benito Mussolini. "
" I do vaguely recognise her, " Trevor said whilst scrutinising the photo. " Wasn't she once called Kerry McFadden? "
" I think she's been called many things to be honest with you. The way the media keep banging on about her, it feels like she's had fifty-seven husbands and two-hundred and eighty-three children. I'm sure during the eighties she was known as Kerry Gorbachev. "
" The headline says ' Kerry's terror as daughter is rushed to hospital with a slightly stuffy nose. ' "
" Trevor, I couldn't really care less what the headline says. "
" Yeah, but I've got to read you this bit here... "
" No honestly, you haven't got to... "
" Yeah yeah, listen to this. A source close to Kerry has told the Daily Shite of the former pop star's ordeal. ' She was hysterical, screaming that her baby wouldn't stop sniffing, it took two of her close pals including me ( I'm available for autographs by the way ) to calm her down with a bottle of vodka. ' ........... "
I stopped listening to Trevor's waffle.
Correction - I hadn't started listening to his waffle.

What is it with these " sources close to.... " or " close friends of... " characters anyway? Some friends they turned out to be.

Paparazzi scumbag: " Hello, am I speaking to Amy Winehouse's closest pal?
Some worm-like creature: " Who's asking? "
Paparazzi scumbag: " It's Kevin Slime-Smith from the Daily Shite's The Goss, wondering if you'd like to spill the beans on Amy's latest coke/booze and weetabix all-nighter.
Some worm-like creature: " How dare you, she's my bestest bestest fwiend. What makes you think I'd even consider discussing her pwivate life?
Paparazzi scumbag: " Alright um.....how about twenty-thousand pounds? "
Some worm-like creature: Oh I get it, twying to buy me off now are you? Well listen to....um...twenty K you say, yeah go on then. "

Funny how these characters were always at the scene when anything ' dramatic ' happens to one of these ' celebrities ' that none of us could remotely give a flying rhino dung about.
" I was with Jordan when the handles snapped on one of her shopping bags " exclusive. A close friend tells of the panic and confusion as various groceries were scattered across the pavement.

I guess there must be someone out there who is genuinely interested in this rubbish.
Yes there is, I forgot, his name's Trevor Bladderfoot. So engrossed was he in reading all the juicy details to me, he hadn't even noticed that I'd buggered off to the bar.
" Another pint of your finest rats piss when you're ready Clive. "
" Anything else? "
" Yes, a different table please. "

Saturday 8th November

It's in the news once again. How many more incidents such as this, must we have to hear or read about?
Another vicious, unprovoked attack.
Another poor innocent bystander, savagely mauled and physically ( not to mention mentally ) scarred for life.
I have nothing against this breed of animal, ( believe me....I like dogs! ), but we have got to stop making excuses for what is clearly an habitually violent creature.

Surely the time has come for action!
Apart from at breakfast, lunch and evening meals, Naomi Campbell must be muzzled at all times.

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