Man: A hundred quite was a hell of a lot of money back then.

Girl: Then she got caught. It was a really big deal and the police were involved but she got probation because she was a mother. Her husband threw her out of the house but he didn’t know she had more than a hundred quid saved up. He didn’t care if she starved.

Man: That’s what used to happen. A man was boss in his own home and he could do what he liked.

Girl: So she found a small place of her own and brought up my mum by herself. She lost her job at the glove factory but she carried on shoplifting. This time she made sure not to be caught and she never was. A few years later she could afford to rent a small house and that’s where my mum grew up.

Man: Your gran sounds really cool.

Girl: They told her that she risked being sent to prison if she got caught stealing again.

Man: Nowadays you got to be caught twenty times before you go to prison but you’ll probably get a suspended sentence if you say you got a drink or a drug problem.

Girl: My gran was called Maggie. Does that ring a bell?

Man: As far as I can remember I’ve never known anyone called Maggie.

Girl: You said that sometimes you didn’t know what they was called. Maybe there was one called Maggie. Or maybe she called herself Margaret. She did that sometimes.

Man: I’ve known a couple Margarets in my time. It used to be a popular name.

Girl: The one in Southend...do you think, maybe, that she was called Margaret or Maggie?

Man: What are you getting at?

Girl: You were there at the same time as her. Maybe you slept with my grandmother. It could be you’re my granddad.

Man: Don’t be stupid. I’m not your grandfather.

Girl: You’re old enough and you were in Southend at the same time. You could be.

Man: But I’m not. If that girl in Southend had wanted to contact me to tell me something she could have found me easy. They was writing about us in the music papers. We were starting to be a little bit famous. She would have found me if she really wanted to.

Girl: But what if she didn’t know who the father was? Maybe she was sleeping around the same way you was. I never believed the story that he was a sailor. She probably didn’t know who it was and was ashamed to say that it could have been one out of lots of men so she made up the story about the sailor.

Man: So it could have been anyone.

Girl: Yeh, but it might have been you. That’s weird.

Man: That’s enough about that. I’m not your grandfather so let’s stop talking about it. I’m about ready to go to bed and that whisky has done the trick. (Sings tunelessly) ‘Whisky makes you frisky’. I’m up for some fun and games, what about you?

Girl: I’m not. I’m not going to have sex with my granddad. That’s really sick.

Man: I’m not your grandfather.

Girl: You might be and then it would be incest. On top of that I might get pregnant.

Man: You said you was on the pill.

Girl: I am but it’s not 100% safe. I know a few girls who got pregnant when they was on the pill.

Man: That’s probably because they got drunk and forgot to take it. Last week you wasn’t worried about getting pregnant.

Girl: I didn’t think you was my granddad then. Now I do and that changes everything. Now I don’t even fancy you. You look like an old man and I don’t know what I ever saw in you.

Man: You were all over me when we first met and that’s only a few months ago. I haven’t changed.

Girl: Maybe you haven’t changed but my way of looking at you has changed. Now all I can see is wrinkles and lines and you look really, really old.

Man: When we first got together you said I didn’t look old, just mature. That was your word. You said you liked mature men and you weren’t interested in guys your own age. That’s what you said.

Girl: That’s right but that is before I found out that you might be my granddad. That alters everything.

Man: But the chances are that I’m not. Come on. Let’s go to bed.

Girl: What?? I’m not going to even sleep with you in the same bed never mind having sex. What would my mum say if she knew I was having sex with her father? Or even sleeping with him, never mind the sex. It would kill her to know something like that. I’m going to see if they have another room. I don’t want to spend the night in the same room as you.

Man: Don’t be stupid. It’s two in the morning. It’s too late to change rooms. Let’s go to bed. We won’t have sex and, anyway, I don’t feel like it anymore. You sure know how to destroy a mood.

Girl: Mood? There was no mood to destroy. I haven’t been in the mood with you for weeks. I only went along with it for your sake. I lost interest a long time ago. It’s too much like hard work with you.

Man: What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never had any complaints.

Girl: They probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Man: You seemed to enjoy it.

Girl: I was pretending.

Man: If you’re that good at pretending you should be an actress.

Girl: It’s not hard. I’ve had a lot of practice in my time. Most men think they’re better than they are and so if you want to keep them sweet you have to go along with it and make them think they’re really good. I’ve done that a lot.

Man: I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that.

Girl: No. It’s right. You’re boring in bed. It’s like you’re dead but you haven’t fallen over yet. I’m going down to see if they got another room. If they don’t I’ll ask if I can sleep in the lobby.

Man: Now you’re being ridiculous. It’s the middle of the night.

Girl: I don’t care. I can’t stay here. I’m beginning to realise that I made a great big mistake. I’ve been stupid. What was I thinking about? I can’t stand being here with you right now and I want to sleep in a room by myself. (She starts putting on her shoes.) You’d better come with me.

Man: I’m not going nowhere. I’m comfortable here. You go if you want to but I’m not coming with you. I’m not leaving this room.

Girl: If you don’t come with me I’ll start screaming and when someone comes I’ll tell them you are keeping me here against my will. They’ll believe me when they see how old you are and how young I am. They’ll probably call the police. That’ll look good in the newspapers, “Aging rocker kidnaps girl”.

Man: You wouldn’t dare scream. They might just throw the two of us out and where could we find another hotel at this time of night and anyway, I’ve already paid for this place.

Girl: They might throw you out but not me. I’m too young and I’m a girl. If anyone gets thrown out it’ll be you.

Man: I don’t care what you do but I’m going to bed. I’ve had enough of this nonsense for one night.

Girl: Alright. You asked for it. I’ll start with a practice scream but I can make it much louder. I’m really good at screaming.

Man: Go ahead. I don’t think you’ll do it.

(Girl looks directly at him and then screams quite loudly.)

Man: Stop! What the hell are you doing? You’ll get us both in trouble.

Girl: That was just the warm-up. This is the real thing.....

Man: Alright! I’ll come down with you. Just give me time to put my shoes on but, promise me, if they don’t have another room you’ll come back up here and stop being such a pain. I’ll tell you what...stay here and you can have the bed and I’ll sleep on the floor. I can do that. I can sleep anywhere when I’m tired.

Girl: I told you I don’t want to be in the same room as you. Don’t you understand what I’m saying? I can’t stand the sight of you right now. Is that clear enough?

Man: Alright. Alright. Let’s go down and see if they have another room.

(They go to the door and leave the room. The man switches off the light as he goes out leaving the stage in darkness.)