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  You are @ HomeAdults Stories & Scripts

Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Bernie Pointer

Title: After

After spending ten years living alone Alice felt it was about time she started looking for romance. But where, she wondered, do you begin to look?

Back in the good old year 2000, when her husband Patrick decided he’d had enough of planet earth, romance was the very last thing on Alice’s mind. Patrick wasn’t what you’d call a romantic sort so she’d already spent twenty years in a cold and aloof relationship before Patrick distanced himself even further at a Y2K party courtesy a cocktail of whisky and Paracetamol.  Whether this was intentional or just an ironic accident no-one will ever know. Patrick had complained of a pain in the neck on New Year’s Eve, so the coroner took this to be a reasonable explanation of why Patrick devoured a bottle of Paracetamol before venturing out. Alice, however, knew that although Patrick perpetually complained about a pain in something or other he’d never been known to down more than two soluble aspirins before.

What Alice can tell you is that it takes a very long time to get over the accidental suicide of your husband, morose or otherwise. But ten years is a very long time. A decade in fact. And now she was ready to move on, hopefully into an altogether happier future.

The only trouble was that Alice had already moved on quite a bit in other areas – her thighs, tum and bum to name but three. She was also at the time of life when although she might wake up fresh faced and ready to face the world, by lunch-time a random spurt of whiskers could (and often did) appear on her chin. Not much of a confidence booster.

”Anyway,” she thought, “what the hell? If Camilla can bag a would-be-king, then there’s hope for all of us!”

And hope was the one thing that Alice still possessed in abundance.

She’d heard of Internet Dating but, not being what you’d call the most adventurous type of gal, she hadn’t ever got to grips with using computers. Also she couldn’t really see how it could work. She didn’t want to chat to someone using a camera thingy. She wanted to meet them in the flesh. To be honest she really aspired to a cuddle or even just a hug would be good. So, she decided she’d have to bypass the distance wooing and just blunder on in.

Blunder number one happened at The Mutton and Mint, a kind of up-market pub in a down-market suburb. She seen an advertisement for their Happy Hour and since happiness was on her agenda she thought she give it a try. So, at 18.05pm, straight after work, she found herself sat on a bar stool, wearing the reddest lipstick that she could find at Boots and feeling as out of place as an Eskimo in a sauna. People started to sashay in but everyone else was in a couple or a pack. Alice resorted to pretending she was waiting for someone by glancing at her watch and sighing until she realised that this only served to imply that she’d been stood-up. After thirty minutes, which seemed like at least three hours, she stood up herself and quickly made her way through the milling crowd and back outside.

Not a great success.

Blunder number two happened two weeks later at The Meat and Greet. Possibly not the best choice of venue for a vegetarian but as they were hosting a dinner party for singles Alice thought that it was worth a try. And trying it definitely was. From the minute she arrived to the minute she left, and throughout the excruciating first and second course.
The singles were all totally gorgeous twenty somethings who were totally aware of their gorgeousness. The food was red-blooded. The atmosphere was meat market on a plate.
Alice decided that the sweet was something that she could afford to miss, on this occasion.

One thing that Alice had learnt from all her years in a lukewarm relationship was that if it starts badly it doesn’t get any better. So, she was already feeling that her getting out there idea probably wasn’t one of her best. But she still had her mind on the cuddle carrot so she decided not to give in just yet. “A more subtle approach is what is needed,” she thought. “I can do subtle.” And she did.

Alice applied for the bar-maids vacancy at The Trout and Pullet (TAP to the locals) and despite her median years and lack of experience she got it. “Wow!” she thought “a sign.”  After three month’s hard slog pulling pints, collecting and swilling glasses and pouring glasses of allsorts of chemical compounds including particularly nasty wine, she finally pulled Sebastian!

Sebastian was a rep. for Fail Safe Pharmaceuticals. He liked to frequent the local hostelries in his area on Friday evening before driving back home for the weekend. As he covered thirteen different geographical locations it took him thirteen weeks before he found himself face to face with Alice at the TAP.

They were immediately drawn to each other like a couple of moths to a flickering shade-less light-bulb and became totally in-Seb-arable in no time. (Seb’s terminology).  “Sebastian,” said Alice. “Is just about as romantic as a pharmaceutical sales rep could ever be.” Cuddles were always on tap. (Alice’s idiom).

So, finally after ten years living alone, Alice is now happily cozied-up with Seb.
Coincidentally, they eventually deduced on one of their many lengthy chats about anything and everything over a romantic meal, it was Seb who had supplied the local chemist with the Paracetamol that lead to the demise of Patrick. On finding out such a revelation Alice actually laughed hysterically. Shock she explained later. But she added….

”It was HIS CHOICE to take them!”

After hearing Alice’s outburst, Seb, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure….

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