1st February, 4.30pm - Swim:

I am scared to write this for fear of jinxing everything, but I have at last found some kind of peace of mind. I have a long way to go I know, but I feel happier and more positive than I have since I can remember. Good things seem to be happening. I went to a networking event this morning and made some really good contacts. I spoke to the guy who is looking for telesales people, and the work sounds really flexible with good pay. I have also had a call about a wedding in August and the guy is coming to see me on Friday. As well as a couple saying they will drop their deposit off this week, and another couple saying they want to pay the bulk off for their photos now, rather than after the wedding in June. And another couple’s confirmation that they are happy with the album design I have done, and to go ahead. From having no appointments booked and no money coming in only two weeks ago, I might actually be alright this month!

And I did something really scary this afternoon. Something I have wanted to do for about fifteen years and never dared. Something so hideous and frightening, now I have done it I feel able to tackle anything. I went swimming! Yes, I actually squeezed my flab in to a lycra swimming costume, and walked, in front of other human beings, the length of the pool to the lockers, and got in the water. Once in, it was fine, and actually I enjoyed it so much, I didn’t even care about being seen when I got out. Which, as all fat people will know, is even worse than getting in, as the wet cozzie sticks to the rolls in a very unpleasant fashion. But, I did it! Actually I did 18 lengths in just over half an hour, which I don’t think is bad, but it was the actual fact that I got in the pool at all which fills me with the most pride and surprise. I will be going to Slimming World in about two hours, and if I have even lost a bit of weight, then my day will have been brilliant!

8pm: Half a fucking pound off! What is the point of that?

Thursday 3rd February, 9.30pm – I am not going to sink!

Today should go down in British history, for children of the future to study at school. I remember reading about the 2nd World War when I was young, and learning of the incidents which happened beforehand that ultimately led to Hitler invading Poland, and Britain declaring war on German. In 50 years time, schools will be teaching pupils the steps which led to the biggest shock of the modern world. 1. The disgusting amounts consumed over Christmas leading to even more shameful weight gain. 2. A child whose photograph I was taking asking her mummy “when is the lady going to have her baby?” 3. The snow defrosting and me realising summer (and less clothes to hide in) is round the corner. 4. Having to ask for financial help from my mum and dad. 5. The reading of TAGR. These, combined with many other steps, have ultimately led to me joining a gym.

I never thought I could afford it before, or that I could be arsed. And quite frankly that is still the truth. However, after swimming the other day, and really enjoying it, I want to do more. I worked out that the cost of swimming at the other baths twice a week, plus the fiver I pay to go to Slimming World, actually covers the cost of the monthly gym membership! I won’t go to SW anymore, save that £5, and now I am able to go swimming whenever I like, including evenings when Emily is in bed. And I can take her sometimes too! A wise choice indeed, as long as I go more than 3 times a year for my 50 quid a month!

The pool at the gym is smaller that the one at the baths, although still a good size. I managed 40 lengths tonight, without stopping, in half an hour. Sounds quite impressive, but it was due in part to the fact that I had left my towel in my locker, and only realised I should have brought it to the pool side like everyone else when I was on length 3. It then hit me that the walk back to the changing rooms was quite a long one – indeed a trek of huge proportions in a wet cozzie – so I had to stay in the pool until I could make a dash for it without being seen.

Swimming, even for only half an hour, gave me precious time to think. I do feel so much more positive, and I know I can achieve what I want, so long as I don’t give up. I look back to a few weeks ago, and my state of mind was so different to now. Indeed, only the day after I started writing this, I was actually supposed to be at a networking event. I made my excuses, but the real reason was I just “couldn’t face it”. By that I mean I felt so low, the thought of talking to anyone filled me with dread. I cried at the slightest thing that day, and it was no way to turn up to a networking event. And I had a hangover from Greedy Monday! Only 2 weeks and 2 days later, I feel so much better. Not tonight, but I think soon enough, I will try and write how I used to feel. It is all well and good saying “look at me – I’ve joined a gym, I’m writing, I’m setting up a networking working event – wow!” but to normal people this is probably extremely unremarkable. However, comparing the present me to the me of only a while ago, the change is amazing. I hope to continue on this journey, but for others to understand, they need to know what I was like before. That joyous thrill can be saved for another time. I am writing as if the misery I felt before is over, but I still dread that kick in the teeth, that I feel is round every corner, just waiting until I am happy, when it will come do its worst….

Whilst swimming, I also felt angry with myself. In such a short space of time I have come so far. I feel clear headed for the first time in about 20 years. If only I had done this sooner – imagine what I could have achieved in life. Again, I feel I need more time than I have now to go in to the reasons why I have been so unfocused and cloudy headed for all these years. Suffice to say, my mind has been ruled by various different substances for a long time now, some legal, some not, but all nice! For more than 10 years I haven’t taken anything illegal, however, copious amounts of cider and wine have taken their toll not only on my once slim figure, but also my once active mind. I am 35, and have only been straight headed for 15 of those years from birth onwards. The past 20, have, I am ashamed to say, been a bit of a blur. I have certainly calmed down a lot in the last 3 years. In fact, getting pregnant made me realise the joys of clear thinking and healthy living. Although I have not gone back to my old ways since having Emily, I have certainly noticed the difference in the way I look and feel, having abstained for 9 months, and then not. I drink far less now I have Emily, than I used and I haven’t gone back to smoking, other than two or three rollies at a weekend, but I still haven’t been able to take control. Financial problems certainly do not help a state of mind, but I should have got a grip and dealt with things a long time before now. So yes, I am angry with myself for wasting so many years in the sand. But I also excited about what the future may hold. I can picture myself slim, and I even know what clothes I will wear and how I will have my hair cut. After years of not giving a shit, and indulging in all the things that are bad for me, I hope now I will become addicted to making myself a better person. I hope to look forward to a workout at the gym, rather than a bottle of wine and a pizza. And I hope to look forward to going out and meeting friends, and being able to wear something nice and not feel uncomfortable and paranoid. I hope to be able to buy nice things for Emily, and to take her out without worrying how I am going to pay for it. I hope to make a success of the business I love so much, and to keep the house without the stress of not being able to afford the mortgage. I hope I can do it….