Assailed by volleys of television propaganda.
Pinned in my favourite chair,
tears streaming down my cynical cheeks.
Adopt a snow leopard,
for just four pounds a week.

Adopt a starving black baby,
in Africa.
Adopt a puppy or kitten,
from the pets home.
Choose a star in the universe,
have it named after you.
All of this gets flung at me,
intended to pull on the heart strings,
designed to make me feel rotten.
And there's more...
Injury lawyers for you !
Performing legal miracles,
no fee, they do it for absolutely nothing.
Apparently.

Do I get to pet my leopard?
Can I feed my adopted baby?
When can I walk my puppy?
And my own personal star?
Well, let's not even go there.

Oh, I nearly forgot another one...
Send us your unwanted gold and broken jewellery !
Sorry but we are a bit short of unwanted gold in our house.
How about I send you some glass beads
that keep falling off the kitchen curtain thingy?
You could send them on,
to needy starving people in Africa,
they would really appreciate the gesture I'm sure.

Could I possibly adopt a Jehovahs Witness instead,
by any chance?
They keep knocking on my door.
They look so forlorn and lonely.
I keep telling them I'm a Buddhist,
which causes much eyebrow raising and holy muttering.
Why do they always go round in groups anyway?
I don't get four milkmen coming to my door simultaneously,
or four men to read the gas meter all at once.
Maybe it's a disciple thing,
safety in numbers and all that.

Can I adopt a premiership footballer?
They could teach me ball skills
and contribute to the weekly shop.
Actually they would be good candidates
for unwanted gold and jewellery,
you should target them, Mr TV propaganda man.

Could I adopt a filmstar possibly?
I would happily pay a few quid a week
to look after Kate Beckinsale, no probs.
Granted, she might not be too keen initially,
but she'd soon get used to queuing for the bathroom,
and the dog would be on it's best behaviour,
he's big but friendly, you know the type.

What about another country?
Could I perhaps adopt Poland on a monthly basis?
Looks like a nice place,
and it's virtually empty,
because they are all over here working.
You could ship all those starving people there from Africa,
they would probably quite like it,
I'm sure they've never seen permafrost before!
and there would be plenty of pickled cabbage soup for them.
Best to supply them with charity clothes and shoes though
(matching pairs only, of course).
Actually, just a small point, but why do those African people
all wear old outdated football tops?
Any idea Mr TV propaganda man?

I'd be quite happy to adopt some
of them Mumbai rubbish dump rakers.
They can come over here and trawl through our trash,
we have a better class of rubbish in the western world.
They'd think they had died and gone to paradise,
oops sorry, nirvana.
They are very communal those subcontinent types,
I could happily fit a dozen or so in my attic room,
and another dozen in the garden shed.
Come on Mr TV propaganda man,
you know you want to.

Do you have any sewer rats up for adoption?
They get a rough deal in life too,
and there's lots of them that need help.
What? None at all? No rats up for adoption?
Oh Mr TV propaganda man, you disappoint me,
really you do.

Ah yes, I get it now,
rats aren't fluffy and cuddly,
and don't tug at the heart strings.
There's nothing in it for you.