"Watch Out, Men! The Witches Are Out to Get YOU" *last ever chapter - read now*
This magnificent piece of work is especially dedicated to a most discerning young lady who goes by the name of Jennifer Charlotte Anne. Norton, my crystal ball, tells me that success is waiting for you, Jen However, he adds that you must remember all that jazz about perspiration. No, not the bit about how horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glow. The other one...
Well, my cheeries and what a difficult time some of us have been through. And that's just me. Of course some of you have, too. Look at my friend Mr Blair. I'm sure he'll be glad of that nice rest that's coming up real soon. But it's OK now. The solstice is just around the corner and the moon is shining just as she should. And Norton and Dylan reminded me that I have still to fulfill my promise to the Universe. So, just this last chapter and then won't you miss me. [Dylan reckons its him you'll miss the most but that's the trouble with familiars. Full of their own importance].
Even Dylan has been grieving. Its put him right off his toads and tadpoles, which is a bit of a shame because I'd just stocked up on them. A 10 Kilo bag going to waste. You've got to use them whilst they're fresh; they're long past their spell-by date now. If anyone's interested, I could let them go cheap (yes, indeed - I am a witch after all, and that spell you do in first grade). They're excellent bait for big fish, the ones you catch in the depths of the ocean. Or the lochs of Scotland. Wow - you might get yourself a pet Nessie, children - tell your dads quick!
I hear you nice members of Dylan's fan club asking why Dylan has been so sad. You will be, too, when you hear. It's Miserere Nobis, or Mizz as we called him, Dylan's favourite friend. He died in a tragedy. Oh it was horrific. Low flying helicopter, you know. No lights, either. I warned him not to do those acrobats on the unlit broomstick a million times. Did he listen? Did you listen to your parents? I still can't talk about it. What a mess he left in the garden.
Anyhow, we're over it a little bit now. Ever since Dulce Jubilo came to stay. Now she is the most beautiful white familiar with eyes as red as glowing coals. Dylan's got the hots, I think. He keeps washing his whiskers and all that stuff. You know what men are like! Yes, you do.
Well, where was I? Oh yes, the Kir Royale dripping off the end of Mack's nose. Yes, he did look silly. And, yes, he was rather sticky, too. But good came of it, as you are about to learn. Listen up, as some of my Northern friends might say. [Too frequently, some of them but that's another story!]
Mumsie was just so ecstatic; her only witch daughter was about to take her marriage vows. She was a success and so was Carmelina. The sisterhood could no longer make those nasty little jibes they been making of late. Of course there was nothing wrong with Carmelina. Of course she was born on the right side of the moon. You should see her horoscope. When it comes to fame and success, she might even rival Jen.
And Mumsiellavimta was the most powerful witch witch in the Universe, ever. Still. She had not lost her magic touch. Maybe she - Carmelina - would follow in the wake of Mumsie's broomstick? A hard challenge but why not? She, too, had the renowned and revered magic blood coursing through her veins.
It was the day of the wedding and Carmelina was in great shape as well as high spirits. If anyone had stopped to think, they might have asked why; however, anyone who did notice (and they're all keeping quiet if they did) probably thought it was wedding fever. Yes, some girls get wedding fever even these days. No, I'm not telling you more about it yet - do you want to frighten the teenagers? The ones that dream of wearing fluffy meringue dresses? [The Universe shudders at the thought]. And, anyway, you're supposed to have the good grace to be listening to this story just now.
Mumsie had splashed out on the most gorgeously expensive outfit. Purple, as befits mother of the bride and witch supreme. But with shades of heather and dew-fresh rose intertwined in the merino/mohair/silk fabric it was made of. And she smelled utterly divine, too (but her scent is a secret). For a witch, Mumsie was exceptionally beautiful; no wrinkles and leather-like skin for her! No, she wasn't witch supreme for nothing. And it's amazing what you can do with the right ingredients and the right spell said at the right time of the moon. Yes, of course it's the moon. Don't you know all that stuff about yin and yang? Spells and sunshine are for different days.
Carmelina looked absolutely stunning, too. And so she should. Mumsie spared no cash where cash was required, and a very famous dress-designer was hired to sew the wedding gown. No, my lips have to be sealed but if you think hard about a beautiful princess you haven't seen much of lately, you'll understand. After all, if she was good enough for a princess she was good enough for Mumsie and Carmelina.
The wedding was taking place in that dear little 5 star hotel by the St Wolfgang lake; it had now become the adopted home of the sisterhood, so well-deserved was it's reputation. Every imaginable comfort was available, and they did the most beautiful weddings. Carmelina had decided on a theme of palest blue roses (yes, you can get them when you're in the know) and creamy lilies. They were everywhere, including the top table - set up on a stage so all could easily see despite the hats (and do witches know how to wear hats? Of course they do!) - for the bride and groom and witnesses. However, the top table also contained deepest red roses from China, for good luck. And Carmelina knew they would be needed.
As well as working out in the gym each day over the last few months so that her enviable body would be even more so, Carmelina had been exercising her brain. Not just with Cope's "Magick" but her night-time reading had also included Higginbottom's "Culture and History of the Occult and Witches in Particular". Fascinating; she could not understand why more of her fellow witches had not indulged. It had a very high recommendation - the Order of the Golden Dawn, no less. And it was such fun if you were in the right frame of mind. And if your Latin and Greek were a bit better than OK. Carmelina had always had a talent for languages, especially dead ones.
Standing waiting for his soon-to-be-sweetheart bride, was McKinlay; his friend Sonny was acting as best man and was holding the ring out as if it were a torch. Well, the diamond was that big and that beautifully cut, it could have been mistaken for a lesser sun. McKinlay? Oh! You mean I didn't tell you about Mack? And how he was so crushed by the Kir Royale experience Sam had thrown at him, that he was left pacing the streets of London every night, deep in conversation with himself. Oh no! Carmelina was not marrying Mack. Carmelina was here today, dearly beloved, to be joined in matrimoney to McKinlay, who owned most of Alaska (or so he intimated. The diamond seemed to provide some evidence this might be true). McKinlay had "rescued" her on that fateful night at the Oxo Tower. She had felt grateful but grateful gets boring after a while.
The trouble was, as is often the case at weddings (why do you think the bride gets paralytic? The groom does it because he can get away with it), that Carmelina had some serious doubts about this union. Down at the gym she had met Mark. Wow was he a babe! Wow was he gorgeous! Wow was he keen to make Carmelina all his! Of course. Who in their left minds wouldn't be (we right-minders know better, naturally)! Wow was he good at kissing! Wow was he good at - well, you know. Can't be explicit in front of Mumsie. Carmelina had attempted to relay her doubts but Mumsie had her mind on the preparations and that was that. No wonder Carmelina was reading Higginbottom's.
Pale and pensive in the palest of pale blue suited Carmelina. Her silk dress was of a very simple design but was embroidered with slightly deeper blue love birds and was trimmed with tiny sapphires, Yes, real ones. Mumsie wasn't witch supreme for nothing, you know. Carmelina took her place beside McKinlay who smiled down at her graciously (at 6 feet 7 inches he'd look down on most people).
Carmelina smiled a wickedly knowing smile at him. That was because she knew what was going to happen next and it was wickedly simple. As she went through with the ceremoney, she became happier. No wonder they thought it was wedding fever! McKinlay found this beauty beside him ravishing and he couldn't wait to legally be in the position to ravish her. Boy was he going to be disappointed!
Once the "I do" was said and the smooching stopped (ugh; tongues down throat in public at a wedding are just so last century, someone should have told McKinlay) Carmelina stepped forward. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkled and she held her head high. That wedding fever again? No. Higginbottom and Cope. Carmelina uttered the sacred magic words quietly under her breath. Her broomstick flew speedily to her command and hovered just a foot or so from the ground (they'd been practicing this for ages now so it looked very easy. DO NOT try it at home, children). Carmelina stepped onto the broom handle.
She called softly to Mark and held out her hand to him. Being good in the gym shone through and he easily stood on the broomstick with her, not even a little wobbly. They kissed long and passionately, and then again. The guests didn't know whether to swoon or cheer. Then Carmelina told the audience what she had learned. That because she had married McKinlay but the marriage was yet to be consummated and she was leaving with another man, it was required of Mumsie to become wife-by-proxy to McKinlay. Mumsie had to take the torch-diamond ring and save the honour of the witches. Mumsiellavimta fell down in a swoon.
Carmelina and her babe-man rode quickly over the lake on their broomstick. Law decreed by Higginbottom had it that she would never be seen or heard of (well, acknowledged, anyway) by the sisterhood. Not until the passing of three thousand blue moons.
Meanwhile, Mumsie was (almost forcibly) revived - such was the need and desire to save the honour of the witches. Still in a state of shock and a little unsteady on her feet, she was helped to stand next to McKinlay. The witches clubbed together and sprinkled an amazing amount of stardust about. McKinlay had forgotten Carmelina already. McKinlay looked down adoringly at the ravishing Mumsie next to him as they went through the repeat ceremony. Cheers and whoops of joy were screeched when Mumsie did her "I do". Phew. Everything was OK now.
So, what about Carmelina and Mark? Did they live happily ever after, my cheeries? Does the moon rise to join the stars every night and does the sun set every evening? That's another story...
The End. Scram. Buzz off. No, I'm not telling you anything more at all. Ever. Well, not until the passing of three thousand blue moons...
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