(A Hoax)

Dear …….

While I am sorry to alarm you on the day of you return from the school skiing trip,I must, however, inform you that every member of staff has been afflicted with a mysterious virus. Medical certificates in lieu of absence and of a month's duration have been submitted to my office.

I contacted the County Education Authority hoping that I might engage temporary staff but have so far received only one replacement, Dr. Vladimir Orloffski, a Russian speaking mathematician and topiarist.

The County Education Committee has refused permission to close down the school and I have no alternative but to place the supervision of all pupils in your hands. Since my wife`s sixth confinement is imminent I am afraid I shall have time to deal only with matters of general administration.

I must also inform you that the canteen staff have gone on strike after refusal of a 10% pay increase, in addition to this I have received word from the caretaker to the effect that his `Follow The Sun` cruise will be prolonged by six weeks owing to failure of the ship's engines in the Gulf of Mexico. He has kindly E-mailed instructions which I will be forwarding to you regarding the lighting and maintaining of the school boilers.

Here are a few suggestions which might be of help to you:-

.Lessons to be held collectively in the hall.
Assembly to be prolonged by one hour. Our music master has loaned severecordings of hymns and psalms which I am sure will prove useful.
Break times to be extended by one hour. Lunchtimes to two hours.
Senior girls engaged in domestic science studies to be released for canteen duties,junior girls for washing up and general cleaning purposes.
Male prefects to be delegated the responsibility of maintaining the heating system under your supervision. Junior boys may be released for the essential work of shovelling fuel; there are extra shovels in the gardener's shed.

With reference to the staff meeting held prior to Christmas when it was decided that the school choir should give a performance of Elgar`s Dream of Gerontius before Easter, in view of the magnitude of this work it is felt that practices should proceed as planned, namely on Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings and rehearsals for Shakespeare`s Cymbeline on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Whilst I appreciate that this will take up a great deal of your spare time I am sure that you will agree that it would be a mistake to abandon these cultural activities because of our present crises, I, therefore, trust that I can count on your loyalty and co-operation in surmounting them

By way of remuneration for your extra duties I have suggested to the appropriate authorities that your salary be trebled until normal working conditions are restored.
Y/s

P.S. Sorry about the typing – secretary is absent after suffering a nervous breakdown..