(A hoax on each of the Friday night Five)

(Costly in stamps)

Dear……….

You have been selected as a suitable person to become a member of the new organization known as HOGG.

HOGG was founded by four gentlemen, the Rt Reverend Alf Plantagenet Smith, Mr. Mortimer Guinness (undertaker), Mr. Peregrine Smythe Worthington (ladies hairdresser) and Lucien St.John Allsop (male cosmetics expert).

Our object is to convert all those who have fallen by the wayside and become slaves to the deadly evils of alcohol and tobacco. We aim to return them to the paths of righteousness and self-preservation.

During the coming months, with the kindly help of Alcoholics Anonymous, The Anti-Air Pollution Society and Market Street Mineral Waters Ltd, we hope to stage peaceful demonstrations outside all public houses, hotels and breweries in the area.

We have already set out a fully comprehensive programme but since the task is on such a large scale we have no alternative but to award zones and the following destinations have been allotted to your party:- The Queen, The Prince of Wales, The Duke of Westmorland, and The Earl of Essex. These demonstrations will be held outside each of these dens of iniquity on Friday evenings 20.00 hours - 23.00 hours.

Since this is purely a voluntary organisation you are requested to supply your own equipment i.e. folding chairs, car rugs, hot water bottles, tambourines, recorders & guitars. The latter three items are of course intended for the accompaniment of anti alcohol songs and spirituals, copies of which will be forwarded to you in due course. The police are sympathetic towards the reasons for your performances in front of The Queen, The Duke etc and will not regard them as grounds for Breach of the Peace or Public Disorder actions

No uniform will be required but each member is requested to carry around six, fully inflated, green balloons, symbolic of the breathalyser. Litre sized cartons of milk will be provided for your refreshment by Organic Dairies. The empty cartons may be retained since use of all toilet facilities within the precincts of the places in question will not be permissible.

Trusting we can count upon your full co-operation

Yours.........